So....I have this new theory on Apple, the electronic company. I am now lead to believe that Steve Jobs (CEO of Apple) is planning to turn the entire world into his slaves. Hear me out. This will eventually make sense.
What is the number one desired phone in the known world? An iPhone 4.
What is the number one music player around the world? An iPod
The most desired computer? A Mac or Macbook
The most sought after larger version of a phone without a phone? The iPad.
Now, based on the current and ever growing sales of these products, it's safe to reason that, eventually, at least every person in the world will own at least one Apple product. Based on my *totally made up* estimations, this will take place in the next five years.
Now, if Steve Jobs was smart, he would implant a small trigger into these devices, all of which, ironically, are made to go next to or into your head. This trigger would then connect the device to your brainwave pattern and sit there silently as you go about your daily life, all the while, it begins to learn your thoughts and routines and transmit them back to Steve Jobs, where he stores them on a large hard drive.
Once everyone possesses an Apple electronic, Steve Jobs can simply flip a switch and BLAM! Steve Jobs now has complete control of our brain waves and can control us from his headquarters in LA. WE are now, in essence, his zombie puppets. Frightening. I do NOT want to be a zombie puppet. Who knows what Jobs would do with all those brainless people?! Probably use us to control the newly formed divisions of the world, which he has no doubt renamed "Job-World", or "Stevie's Giant Playground" or something as ridiculously stupid, like..."Apple Globe". Yes, that will happen. He will take missiles and reshape the world to resemble a giant Apple. This is what billionaire rulers of the world do with their spare time when no one else has a brain.
We would become his slaves, cleaning the sheets and doing his laundry in his countless villas across "Apple Globe". We'll probably be his personal fry cooks, cooking him Apple shaped burgers and waffles. And Bill Gates will be the Jester in his throne room. He disgusts me. Of course, he will probably have solved the loneliness issue, building an override switch for his family and the beautiful people, but it will probably still remove most of their free will, leaving them with only minor brain functions. He disgusts me.
What caused this depressing, end-of-the-world, Apple-zombie epiphany was my trip to the Apple store tonight. Based on the spaced-out, blank looks that adorned the faces of the many blue-shirted employees and the dull monotone with which they all speak caused me to consider the possible fact that prolonged exposure to so many zombie-creating electronics may have accidentally wiped away their brain waves before Jobs sent the command signal, resulting in the creation of over 300 hundred zombie spawning locations across the nation. And all of them will be harnessing the power of iPhones and Macbooks. Be afraid.
Now comes the important question. Would you rather give up your magnificent Apple computer/phone/iPad (because I'm not really sure what those are classified as), or be turned into a mindless, Steve Jobs fry cook slave? I know my decision...I'll be making apple shaped burgers before I lose this phone. See you on the other side, fellow users of awesomeness!
Spencer Stephens
