Christmas Clichés

Christmas Clichés

Merry Christmas, darling readers, as you walk through this winter wonderland; I hope your day is merry and bright as you jingle all the way to Grandmother’s house.

God rest ye, merry gentlemen, let nothing dismay you because Santa Claus comes tonight. Yes, here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane. He’s being lead through the fog by Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer. He has a very shiny nose, you know.

The first Christmas nerd

Baby, its cold outside, so be sure to bundle up tight as you gaze upon your Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree, your leaves are so…green. I hope you roast chestnuts on an open fire and that Jack Frost nips at your nose. Actually, no; I do not wish that upon you. It’s just creepy.

In what universe do I want that to bite me?

So, as you‘re sticking it to those Pagans this year with commercialism and frivolity, be sure to enjoy yourself. But, watch out for old mister Grinch, for he’s a mean one. Some even call him a heel.

What a HEEL!

But, no seriously, let’s not forget what this season is about: the birth of the Savior. Somehow, Santa Claus and presents and selfishness came into play and we overlook that sometimes. Charlie Brown was right when he whined about his own dog’s commercialism. It affects us all.

Ol' Chuck's just jealous.

So, hang that candy cane on your tree this year and spend time with your family but let’s put this presents aside and focus on togetherness, love, compassion and forgiveness (everything you won’t find in a mall this time of year). And if we all do that, I think we’re in for a very bright new year.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Whoa, wait. I totally missed Frosty the Snowman. *Ahem*

“Wear that magic hat and dance through the street, singing to spread Christmas cheer”. I threw Elf in for good measure.

Amazing movie. Go watch it.

5 Reasons George Lucas Hates His Fans

5 Reasons George Lucas Hates His Fans

There are many things George Lucas has done. He has given the world Star Wars. He changed movie theater sound with Skywalker Sound company. He gave the world Indiana Jones. And he provides many, many jobs on his 47,000 acre ranch (complete with it's own fire station and firetruck). In many ways, it would seem that George Lucas loves the people he works for, those who give him their money so that he can add it to his fortune of childrens allowances. And yet, it is not so. Here's why.

"I bathe in the tears of my fans."

5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones is one of the greatest franchises Hollywood has ever produced. The first three managed to stay fresh and original, all while being entertaining. But then, in 2008, George Lucas realized that the world was very close to forgetting Indiana Jones (not at all) and decided to release a fourth one.
Ugh. The fourth installment of Indiana Jones was the worst of the series. Apparently forgetting that the other 3 movies existed, Lucas brings in aliens, giant ants and those ever-present Nazi's. And let's not forget the terrible acting from a sans-Megan-Fox Shia Lebouf. Terrible. That movie tried to compete with Sean Connery and motorcycle chases.
Essentially, we went from class and awesomeness:

The face of class and awesomeness

To this:

"Megan Fox really was the only appealing thing about me."

And that nerd is supposed to be Indiana's son! I don't think so.
But, hey, why let a franchise die gracefully when you can just hit it with a shovel a few times?

4. The Animated "Clone Wars" Movie
I am not going to complain about the Star Wars prequels *yet*. No, this section is dedicated to George Lucas' inexplicable animated Star Wars spin-off...of a spin-off. Confused? So was I. Let me explain.

It all probably started in 1995. The original three Star Wars movies are an international hit. Presumably, Old Georgie was lounging around in his new home/workplace that he had just spent about a 100million dollars to assemble, piece-by-piece on a little plot of land, only about 47,000 acres big (seriously. Google it). As George sat in his mahogany furnished library, four hundred shelves filled entirely with Star Wars fan-fiction, he realized that the 100 million dollars he'd spent developing 15 acres of his land was good chunk of his Star Wars-funded fortune. He twisted in his silk, R2-D2 footie pajamas. I can't go back to the poorhouse! he thought. He reached over and picked up a gold plated bell and summoned a manservant. "Jeeves," George said, standing up. "Bring me a sandwich. I have to write three terrible screenplays!" Whipping out his trusty lightsaber pen, he sprinted down the hall to his study, kicked off his Darth Vader slippers and set to work. Three hours later he emerged, in his hands the scribbled remains of a once great franchise. "Jeeves!" he called. "Get my producer. I'm going to be rich again!"
(Editor's Note: I totally made all that up, no matter how accurate it may seem.)

Yeah yeah, ok. That's probably not how it happened. I mean, his pajamas would obviously have stormtroopers on them and writing the screenplays probably took him four hours, not three, but the devil is in the details. The point is, Lucas wrote three "prequels" to his original movies and they stunk worse than my dog that time she wrestled with a skunk. But, the fun doesn't stop there!

In between the second and third prequels, he decided that the Darth Maul action figures weren't selling well-enough, so he released an animated series on Cartoon Network called "The Clone Wars". While somewhat creative in its own right, the animated series told the tale of what happened in between the second and third movies. Cool idea, right? Well, it would have been until they aired the "episodes" in five-minute segments, randomly jammed in between two shows. Sloppy. Needless to say, the show flopped. Not like George cared though. I'm sure the network paid handsomely.

Then, the third and final prequel released and sales skyrocketed as every blossoming nerd and their nerdy dads went to see the final, killing blow to the series. And what a blow it was. Almost the entire movie was shot in front of a green screen. It was like watching an animated movie with a couple of real people thrown in occasionally.

But George Lucas is no quitter! The national treasury still had more money than him, and this just simply would not do!

He released the original three movies on "remastered, special edition" DVD. Yeah, right. Basically, he added a bunch of CGI fight sequences, touched up the audio, threw in a controversial scene and then replaced the original Anakin Skywalker with this guy:

Oh, I'll get to you, Hayden Christensen.

These "remastered" DVD's released around Christmas, giving George just enough extra spending money to put in that 3-story water slide he's always wanted. It's very tasteful, and really goes well with his Millennium-Falcon-shaped pool (that takes up one of the fifteen acres he developed).

But, what trizillionaire's water resort is complete without a karaoke/smoothie bar?! None. So George needed to acquire even MORE money.

The result of his quest was this:

Yes, it is as bad as it looks.

Yes, you're reading that right. That, friends, is a Clone Wars movie. It takes place in the same time-period as the Cartoon Network show, but, get this: it's a completely different story arc.
For the sake of money, and money alone, George Lucas revamped and reanimated a series that has already been made and decided to re-write the timeline. And he didn't even have the dignity to give us a decent reason for it, like the Star Trek movie did.

Time bending black hole. Makes perfect sense. It also helps me forget William Shatner.

This terrible spin-off movie now has a TV show and is in its second season. It succeeds in giving us proof George Lucas hates his fans with a passion that rivals his hatred for Star Trek. Need more? This is what the current TV show has done to Yoda.

There are no words....

3. Darth Vader is Really Just Hayden Christensen

Darth Vader is undeniably the galaxy's greatest bad guy. He's got the awesome TIE-fighter, the freaky breathing sounds and that whole "I can choke you with my mind" thing going on. George Lucas, you did well.

This could be you.

Unfortunately, everything that was once awesome about Darth Vader is ruined once you see the prequels. Well, just the second two prequels, because I think we can all agree that Jake Lloyd was awesome.

"I have a beard now."

However, even Jake Lloyd was forgotten when Hayden Christensen stepped onto the scene (you know, that guy, in the picture earlier). Hayden apparently missed the "you will become Darth Vader" part of the story and just played Anakin like the rest of his roles: whiny, pubescent and always looks like he bit a lemon. Personally, I think he always hated the whole Star Wars franchise and was just trying to hurt the fans. He succeeded. The hulking, terrifying presence that was Darth Vader was reduced to a whiny, bad-haired, overacting child who will always be remembered for this:

Cry, Hayden Christensen. Feel our pain.

Darth Vader has been ruined. No longer the Freddy Kruger of the galaxy, just some snivelling, pompy twit. And to make matters worse, Hayden's dating her:

Life isn't fair, gentlemen.

2. The Prequels

Most of my proof on this point was referred to in the rant about the Clone Wars movie, but let me just reiterate a few points:

A) They serve no real purpose. The idea of knowing where Vader came from was cool for ten minutes before everyone realized that they didn't really want to know. Humanizing Darth Vader made him less of what he was meant to be. We all just liked him as a scarred, human-ish being in an awesome suit. We knew he was a Jedi in the past and that he was inherently good and was the reason the Empire fell. And that's ALL we wanted to know.

B) They're filled with a bunch of pointless drama. For example: Padme and Anakin's relationship was WAY more complicated than it needed to be. I mean, he deliberately wrote a Jedi code that prohibited marriage so that the second movie would feel like an episode of Degrassi in space. And then, Boba Fett's a clone? Why did that even need to happen!? He was eaten by a Sarrlac!

C) They killed off the only cool character. Darth Maul was awesome, and he managed to kill LIAM NEESON, which, as Taken has proven, is not an easy feat. And then, through some fluke, Obi-Wan kills him. LAME. Salt in the wound: he's replaced by a guy named Dooku.

This pretty much sums it up.

Now, the number one reason George Lucas hates every fan he has:

1. Jar Jar Binks Exists
The man created a frog/duck/dog/fish hybrid and put him in the same movie as Liam Neeson. If that doesn't scream "I only want your money", nothing does.

The manifestation of George Lucas' hatred

I admit. I am a Star Wars nerd. I have seen every movie, read the fan-fiction and I once possessed over 50 action figures, ships and playsets. Obsessed doesn't describe me. Star Wars was my life as a child and it will always hold a special place in my heart. But, as I grew up and watched my beloved franchise with the cynical eye of a teenager, I realized one thing:

George Lucas hates me and has way too much of my money.

"Jeeves, I need a bath. Fetch me Spencer's tears."

Joss Whedon: Unsung Genius

Joss Whedon: Unsung Genius

TV is a crucial element of society today. Just about everyone watches it, and just everyone en joys at least one thing on that magical box in their living room. But people all have different tastes, so there are a lot of different TV shows. Some are awesome, some are not-as-awesome, and some just need to die. Sometimes, though, awesome TV shows are killed before they ever have a chance to start living. And no one knows how unfair a situation like that can be better than a wonderful man named Joss Whedon.

If you're any kind of nerd, even in the slightest, you just started screaming in agreement. For those of you who don't know, Joss Whedon is quite possibly the coolest person in existence. If he's not THE coolest, he's definitely in the top five, right there next to Stan Lee and Batman.

Some of you are still majorly confused, and that magical box in your living room is starting to look pretty good, so let me fill you in; Joss Whedon is the man who single handedly responsible set the Standard of Awesomeness that all science-fiction TV shows are now held to.

Joss Whedon created the rarely-heard-of and severely under-praised, yet totally awesome shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer (ok, that ones the exception to the stuff I just said), Firefly, Dollhouse and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog (technically, that's online). Show of hands, how many of you have heard of any of the shows I just mentioned? Oh wait, never mind. I can't see you. I'll just continue under the assumption that you've never heard of any them. Just know that they are pretty much all awesome. Don't believe me? Fine. Check out the proof.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992 [film], 1997-2002 [TV series])

First of all, it's about a girl that runs around SLAYING VAMPIRES. The very title implies awesomeness, especially with today's current definition of vampires and the way Tweens are a bit obsessed with the concept of marrying them. Besides, Sarah Michelle Gellar is not a bad thing for TV in anyway.

He is though. KILL IT, BUFFY! KILL IT!

Now I only ever saw a couple episodes of Buffy in its heyday (I was a little too busy being 5), but Wikipedia tells me What Makes It Brilliant:

The Movie
Joss Whedon initially wrote and made a movie called Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 1992, about a California "valley girl" who learned it was her destiny to slay vampires (So, she learned her destiny was to BE AWESOME?). The movie was designed to spoof the clichés in horror movies and make them funny (kind of like the Scary Movie franchise has been failing to do for years. It obviously hasn’t taken the hint). While this film didn't become majorly popular, it did spawn the more "critically-acclaimed" TV show of the same name.
The TV Show
The TV version of Buffy was much darker than it's movie inspiration and followed a girl named Buffy Summers (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar), who is the next in the line of Slayers, a group of hunters who are called by fate to hunt demons, vampires and other spirit creatures. Like every Slayer before here, Buffy was accompanied by a Watcher, who guided her and helped her when she needed it. Unlike the other Slayers, Buffy surrounded herself with a group of close friends. I would then suppose that these friends eventually all found out about her destiny and helped her kick major vampire butt.
Sounds awesome, right? I think so. I just added it to my Netflix Queue; that's how much I think so. Further proving my point of Joss Whedon’s genius, Buffy won an Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series in 2000. THE EMMY'S THOUGHT THIS MAN WAS OUTSTANDING! So should you.

Firefly
Oh, Firefly, you were so mistreated by the evil FOX network. Firefly told the tale of a cargo ship's outlawed crew and their adventures that come along with trying to survive in space. The show took place in space or on outer planets in a time after the world was “used up”. The worlds they visited were occasionally primitive and had a western feel. So, umm, the show is kind of about….Space Cowboys. But, it is SO MUCH COOLER THAN THAT.

What Makes It Brilliant
Firefly dove headfirst into a rather foreign territory by trying to bring a Star Wars type epic to the small screen (Think Han Solo with a crew that consisted of more than one overgrown dog-monkey). Malcolm Reynolds is the captain of the ship, Serenity, a cargo vessel that occasionally (translated: all the time) smuggles frowned upon cargo past the tightly wound government (NOT the Empire). Joss Whedon wrote it beautifully, setting up an amazing story arc that had potential to be the greatest science fiction television show ever.

And it might have succeeded, if the FOX network didn't hate every viewer it's ever had.

Granted, Firefly did have a slightly slow pilot, but it was some of the deepest character exploration and best plot set up I’ve ever seen in a TV show. Not that anyone who ever watched it on the network would know.

FOX basically decided that Firefly would fail before it even aired. Acting on their own assumption, they decided that no one would notice if they aired the episodes in random order. However, people did care, but not for long because they gave up when they couldn't figure out what the heck was happening.
As a result, FOX cancelled Firefly after only 11 of the seasons 14 episodes aired. And just to throw salt in the wound, they aired the 90-minute pilot episode LAST.

Fighting back, Joss Whedon quickly released the full season of his brilliant creation on DVD where it exploded. Firefly became and remains a cult phenomenon that only certain awesome people know about (like this blog). It became so popular after the DVD release that Joss was able to create several graphic novels and a big screen movie to serve as a conclusion, both of which he called Serenity.

Due to the fact that the Serenity movie basically started where the show left off, anyone who hadn't seen the show didn’t know what was happening (they just knew they were watching one of the best sci-fi movies ever made), and the ratings for the movie were less than acceptable for Hollywood’s standards of awesomeness.

Serenity was a great conclusion and successfully answered a lot of the shows remaining questions, but I doubt any fan would complain if Joss announced a second season.

Dollhouse
Dollhouse is yet another show of brilliance from Joss Whedon's amazing mind. It focuses on a secret company (the Dollhouse) full of men and women whose minds are capable of being erased and rewritten with new information, allowing them to become a new person at anytime. The Dollhouse then rents them out to clients for various purposes. Throw in an FBI agent who's bent on finding the place, a villain and a couple conspiracies and BOOM you've got another amazing show on your hands.
What Makes It Brilliant
Once again, Joss dove into a foreign area, pushing the limits of science fiction and encouraging people to actually use part of their brains when watching TV. Each episode of Dollhouse always had a few twists to it, as well as a continuing, underlying sub-plot that moved forward every episode and enough action to make Bruce Willis happy.
Joss trusted this creation to FOX once again, apparently deciding to give them a second chance. He added a little more women and sex to this show (FOX's weakness) and succeeded in getting two seasons of Dollhouse to air on television. Apparently, FOX also had the decency to let him know before they cancelled this show and he was able to wrap it up rather nicely.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog
Dr. Horrible is the final proof needed to convince you of Joss' genius. He created a musical; a musical about superheroes. And this wasn't another crapfest like "Superman: The Musical". This was amazing, featuring the talents of Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion (star of Firefly) and Felecia Day (featured in several episodes of Buffy). It focuses on the exploits of one Dr. Horrible (Harris), an amateur supervillian who's desperate to make it into the Evil League of Evil and become awesome. First he must defeat his nemesis, Captain Hammer (Fillion) and win the girl of his dreams (Day).
What Makes It Brilliant
Joss brings his unique flair to the Internet, introducing a villain as the good guy, and a "hero" who really just doesn't care about actually saving the day. It humanizes the supervillian and just gives an awesome and refreshing and funny spin on the classic battle of good vs. evil. Oh, and the girl of the supervillian’s dreams? She’s a humanitarian vegetarian who helps the homeless. This is the awesomeness only Joss can think of. Keep in mind, all of this done while they burst into some pretty awesome songs. And not any Disney High School Musical, “We’re All In This Together” crap either. The finale is Dr. Horrible singing about his plan to burn the world down.
Joss scored by avoiding network TV totally and targeting the trolls of the internet who discovered it and launched it into fame. It's now on DVD, iTunes and even available on Netflix' Instant Streaming service (so go watch it if you haven't seen it yet).

Now, if you don't agree that this man is an awesome genius that FOX hates as much as they hate the rest of the world, you have a serious problem. Joss Whedon is amazing and deserves to be praised and thanked for his awesome contributions to the world of science fiction and to society as a whole.
I'm not the only one who believes this either.

He is the director and writer of the upcoming Avengers movie, a task only given to the most worthy of candidates, lest Hollywood face a nerd riot, and he has a theater released Dr. Horrible 2 in the works. Not to mention the EMMY HE WON (Wait, Emmy's are a big deal right?). He also writes music. You heard me, ladies...
So heres to you, Joss; may your genius be recognized as you continue to bless the world with awesomeness.

Thank you. Thank you, good sir.

5 Music Artists That Need to Find Something Else to Sing About

5 Music Artists That Need to Find Something Else to Sing About

There are a lot of things wrong with the music industry today (The Black Eyed Peas exist, which I think is one of the biggest problems). The artists are all weirdly named, the radio kills every good song ever made and they all drop the f-word too much.

My biggest problem though (besides the Black Eyed Peas) is the total lack of creativity shown lately (oh, wait! That's the DEFINITION of the Black Eyed Peas). Every song seems to have the same beat, similar lyrics and the same synthesized voice of the singer. And then, when something decent does come along, the radio decides to shoot it in the face by playing it over and over and over and OVER AND OVER....

Now, I'm not saying there aren't generally talented people out there. I really like B.o.B., Jason DeRulo and even some of Katy Perrys non pop songs (California Gurlz however is possibly one of the worst pieces of "music" in existence). So, no, I'm not hating on every one in the music industry, but here are a few people that I think should find new stuff to sing about or just quit altogether.

1. Eminem
Alright dude, we get it. You have issues with your mom and commitment. While your last album did do a better job of diversifying your sound, there were still plenty of references to slapping the women that will inevitably dump you. Of course, this all might have something to do with the fact that every woman you AREN'T slapping in your song is white trash that you just want to hook up with. You have issues with women and this new thing called equality. Everybody knows it, so maybe you can flex those skinny, white muscles of talent and come up with some original topics next time around.

2. P!nk
I'm a fan of P!nk, actually. She has a good sound and puts a lot of emotion into her music. I like that. But when your last hit single (Raise Your Glass) talks about teen drinking and uses the phrase "too school for cool", questions of parental issues and major alcohol abuse are raised. Granted, I haven't heard the rest of her album, but if she has any more songs along the same lines of "Raise Your Glass", she might consider finding something else to sing about.

3. Linkin Park
Linkin Park has been, and remains to be, very high on my list of favorite rock bands. But they're last album "A Thousand Suns" was the weirdest thing I've ever heard. And that's including the Backstreet Boys. The four or five songs from the album that were actually music (not random 5 minute sound clips from a wartime radio show) consist mainly of the band rhythmically chanting African tribal songs, while some amateur techno music plays. Weird stuff. And then there's the song that seems to imply the band was abducted by aliens and are waiting for their return.
While substance abuse has becoming rather synonymous with rock music, I think Linkin Park may have taken a few too many "creative freedoms" with this one.

4. Lady GaGa
Once again, I'm kind of a Lady GaGa fan. Cerain songs of her I can tolerate and, honestly, she's been drug through the dirt enough lately (though she CHOSE to wear the meat dress). But is it too much to ask that she release some songs with intelligible lyrics? I know, "She's a tortured genius" and what not. I'd just have a much easier time believing that if I thought she could form complete sentences.

5. The Black Eyed Peas
The Black Eyed Peas....just need to stop.

Why Doctor Who is Epic (A Letter To Dan Bergstein)

Why Doctor Who is Epic (A Letter To Dan Bergstein)

Hey Dan,
Let me start by saying I’m a big fan of yours. I love Blogging Twilight. It displays a literary analysis genius that the world has been missing for a long time. I blame this lack of genius for the existence of books like Twilight.

Anyways, I’m writing to you, regarding your recent post about Doctor Who. (This one: http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2010/11/10/confession-i-dont-like-doctor-who/)

Three months ago, I agreed with you. Christopher Eccleston SUCKS (which I still believe), the show has no point and the human companionship is kind of stupid.

However, I have four very persistent, very obsessed-with-Doctor-Who friends who basically tied me down and glued my eyes open until I finished watching season 2. While that may be a slight exaggeration, their threats felt very real at the time.
The point is, I too suffered willingly through the first (translated: terrible) season of the new show and wanted to shoot myself every time Christopher Eccelston’s weirdly shaped face and untraceable accented voice filled the screen. I understand and know your pain.

But here’s the deal: sometimes, you have to suffer before you succeed.
Christopher Eccleston delivers just the right amount of no-depth-to-the-character and unintelligible sentences to make you hate it the first time through. But once you get to David Tennant, words cannot describe the love that grows inside of you. David Tennant flies the TARDIS straight into your heart. It’s a beautiful bond that forms. You laugh, you cry and you cheer for this man.

Don’t believe me yet? The man got to play The Doctor for 3 seasons, longer than any other person in the history of the show *I think*. Fans and critics adore him, and so will you or your money back! (Just kidding; I won’t actually send you any money.) So now, allow me to fire carefully aimed, readied and plasma filled shots of reasoning into your argument:

1. The show has no point.
Solid reasoning if you’ve only seen the first season. Chris just seems to fly around like a mad man to see what aliens he can run into. Granted, that part doesn’t get much better with time. The Doctor always seems to be floating aimlessly, but it’s not because he’s bored; it’s because he has nowhere else to go. I can’t give too much away without spoiling it, but just know that The Doctor’s character begins to take shape with David Tennant, and we eventually learn that he is a deeper character than we first thought.

2. The companion doesn’t make sense.
Once again, I blame this on Eccleston. His portrayal of the role makes it seem like he’s just dragging Rose along to brag about how cool he is. However, we might have to blame some of his suckage on a somewhat hidden plot point. The time periods between the two shows (the 1950’s version to the 2000’s) seems to represent a real time period in which The Doctor has been wandering around by himself, lonely and bored. So when a fairly attractive blonde throws herself at him and drools over his spaceship, he (and every other male life-form in existence) milks the situation for all it’s worth, hamming it up and making himself seem cool, so that she then will think he’s even more awesome than she already does. Also, if he didn’t explain it to someone, the viewers would be totally lost. Come season two, though, Rose seems to grow a brain of her own and begins to help David Tennant more often than she asks questions. She even ends up saving the day a few times and you learn to love her as well.

3. The time travel doesn’t make sense
In my opinion, this is actually one of the things that makes Doctor Who great. Too many sci-fi shows get caught up in the fundamentals and science of everything and spend all their time explaining why jettisoning the time warp cannon will effectively save the day. SHUT UP AND GET RID OF THE FREAKING CANNON!
That’s why I like Doctor Who. It’s simply an accepted fact that his blue box can go through time and space and he flies it without any windows (that’s the part that confuses me). Because this is an accepted rule, each episode can focus on kicking alien butt.
*sidenote: I’m sure the technology of the TARDIS is explained somewhere, whether it be from the 1950’s or nerds in their moms basement who post on wiki all day. However, I don’t feel like dedicating much time to figuring it out and just roll with it.*

4. The episodes are all the same
Let’s keep in mind that Doctor Who is a BBC show, the same company that gave the USA PBS and educational programming. I think some of the episodes are meant to be “historically accurate” and “educational” that they then spice up with a dash of goop alien. However, the rest are simply The Doctor exploring the world. He knows a lot but he even says he doesn’t know everything. The show is simply The Doctor, soaking in all that he can. It’s probable that not every place he stops has aliens running around, but who wants to watch him strolling through the construction site of Big Ben or smoking with Lewis Carrol? No one (well, the thing with Lewis Carrol might be entertaining). The point is, each episode feels the same because each episode is him stumbling upon aliens that he must defeat before history unravels. And once he gets off earth in the later seasons, it mixes up a bit.

5. I wouldn’t be able to catch up
I thought the same thing, but I got hooked and watched 4 seasons in one summer (every season is on Netflix and on their instant streaming. It’s kind of awesome). Doctor Who isn’t about being in the forefront of knowledge, watching every new episode the night it’s on so you can participate in chat rooms the next day. Doctor Who is very much about enjoying the ride as much as The Doctor does. So don’t focus on getting caught up. Watch at your own pace and enjoy the journey.

My conclusion won’t be long. I doubt Dan will ever read this. But if he ever does, I encourage him to just give it one more chance, like I did and see if you don’t fall in love with the show when David Tennant is flying the big, blue box.

Sincerely,
Spencer Stephens

Why There Should Not Be ANY Sequels to Avatar

Why There Should Not Be ANY Sequels to Avatar

Oh, James Cameron. Please, just stop.

It was announced earlier this week that James Cameron (director of last Christmas’ mega-hit “AVATAR”) has teamed up with FOX to create two, back-to-back sequels to his original hit. (http://movies.msn.com/paralleluniverse/avatar-sequels-announced/story/feature/) Gross.

Personally, I was not a fan of the original film. Yes, it was visually groundbreaking and dynamic. Whoop-de-doo. I was enamored with the visuals for all of 10 minutes before I snapped out of it and had to suffer through two and a half more hours of weak-plot and weird theology. But, hey, at least it was visually groundbreaking! Visuals are not a replacement for plot and I really felt that the whole movie was a waste of my time. Don’t believe me? Go watch it in 2D.

AVATAR also bothers me because it single-handedly brought 3D movies back into the fore-front of society. Before AVATAR, 3D was just that thing they did that was becoming kind-of-cool-ish on some movies. Then AVATAR raked in 2.8 billion dollars and Hollywood attributed it to the 3D aspect. Now, it’s everywhere. Granted, 3D can be done right, occasionally (Despicable Me and Toy Story come to mind) but I’m tired of everything at the movie theater being centered on it. I mean, the final Saw movie’s sole advertising ploy was the 3D element. It’s pathetic.

Obviously, I have issues with the planet of Blue People and do NOT want sequels at all. I won’t be seeing them and here’s why you shouldn’t either.

There are multiple problems with this, the first of which being that if there is anything we’ve learned from Hollywood in the past, it’s that the more sequels you make, the worse it gets (the exception to this rule is Toy Story).

Everyone saw AVATAR, so I really won’t be spoiling anything by talking about it (if you didn’t see it, I’m jealous). The first movie ended with Jake becoming a Na’vi through that weird tree-dance ritual. The movie cut to black after he opened his eyes in his new body. YAY! He can live happily ever after!! So what are the sequels going to be about?

The first movie had everything a weak, basic plot needs (and it ripped all of that off from the Disney version of Pocahontas). It had villians, it had robots, giant cats, weird hook-ups, flying-dragon-type things and a final battle that resulted in all the bad guys running away scared. Jake already learned the ways of the Na’vi, he proved himself to be a total kick-butt warrior and he scored with the chief’s daughter. Two and a half hours of film successfully wasted just about every potential sequel there was and now, there are really only two ways it can go while staying semi-intelligent;

Sequel 1: The rich human hot-shots decide that they were stupid for just abandoning the planet filled with “unobtanium” (really James? Really?), a substance which would earn enough money to build a new Earth. *insert an hour of meaningless plot* So, they come back and try to fight again. *another hour of meaningless plot* The Na’vi will fight, half will die and then they turn primitive and just destroy everybody. *roll credits*

Sequel 2: A rare and only-deadly-to-Na’vi virus has been released into the world from the rusting metal of the humans ships that nobody ever bothered to clean up. *meaningless plot* A lot of Na’vi die. *meaningless plot* Jake and the original gang (minus Sigorney Weaver, cuz she’s dead) set off to trek across the world to find a rare flower whose pollen is a cure for the disease. *meaningless two hours of trekking across the planet, in which there is more alien sex, weird theology and the fighting of random creatures. Oh, and those two humans who stayed on the planet in the first one, they took a helicopter and it hit a mountain. Cool explosion, check* They find the flower but it turns out to be 10 feet tall and carnivorous and they have to fight off its venomous leaves with large spears and alien kung fu! (Epic hand-to-hand combat battle? Check.) But wait! The plant has found the original general’s robot and has taken control of it, using its tentacles! (Use of robot in hand-to-hand combat? Check.) *way-too-long battle sequence with the robot because it just won’t die* And because of their weird theology, they can’t actually kill the planet cuz they’re connected to it, so they get close, attach their ponytails and speak to it *meaningless theology* The Plant (which probably has a name like, “antivirusethicus”) agrees to help them and releases a ton of gas into the air and covers the whole planet with healing pollen!! Yay! Then, their flying horse things show up and they fly home to find their friends alive! But, it turns out, the chief is dead. Bummer. The movie ends after another tree ritual, this time with Jake becoming chief! Yay! Franchise over.

There you go. I just saved you $30 and four hours of your life. And Cameron won’t be done until the end of next year…slacker.

AVATAR 2 is set to release in 2014, which is its second problem. By that time, something better probably will have come along and people will have forgotten AVATAR and the franchise, and hopefully its fan-base and appeal, will be down the tubes.

*Proof of the Pocohontas plot rip off:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1637131246902&set=a.1633207748817.87920.1195357554