Why There Should Not Be ANY Sequels to Avatar

Why There Should Not Be ANY Sequels to Avatar

Oh, James Cameron. Please, just stop.

It was announced earlier this week that James Cameron (director of last Christmas’ mega-hit “AVATAR”) has teamed up with FOX to create two, back-to-back sequels to his original hit. (http://movies.msn.com/paralleluniverse/avatar-sequels-announced/story/feature/) Gross.

Personally, I was not a fan of the original film. Yes, it was visually groundbreaking and dynamic. Whoop-de-doo. I was enamored with the visuals for all of 10 minutes before I snapped out of it and had to suffer through two and a half more hours of weak-plot and weird theology. But, hey, at least it was visually groundbreaking! Visuals are not a replacement for plot and I really felt that the whole movie was a waste of my time. Don’t believe me? Go watch it in 2D.

AVATAR also bothers me because it single-handedly brought 3D movies back into the fore-front of society. Before AVATAR, 3D was just that thing they did that was becoming kind-of-cool-ish on some movies. Then AVATAR raked in 2.8 billion dollars and Hollywood attributed it to the 3D aspect. Now, it’s everywhere. Granted, 3D can be done right, occasionally (Despicable Me and Toy Story come to mind) but I’m tired of everything at the movie theater being centered on it. I mean, the final Saw movie’s sole advertising ploy was the 3D element. It’s pathetic.

Obviously, I have issues with the planet of Blue People and do NOT want sequels at all. I won’t be seeing them and here’s why you shouldn’t either.

There are multiple problems with this, the first of which being that if there is anything we’ve learned from Hollywood in the past, it’s that the more sequels you make, the worse it gets (the exception to this rule is Toy Story).

Everyone saw AVATAR, so I really won’t be spoiling anything by talking about it (if you didn’t see it, I’m jealous). The first movie ended with Jake becoming a Na’vi through that weird tree-dance ritual. The movie cut to black after he opened his eyes in his new body. YAY! He can live happily ever after!! So what are the sequels going to be about?

The first movie had everything a weak, basic plot needs (and it ripped all of that off from the Disney version of Pocahontas). It had villians, it had robots, giant cats, weird hook-ups, flying-dragon-type things and a final battle that resulted in all the bad guys running away scared. Jake already learned the ways of the Na’vi, he proved himself to be a total kick-butt warrior and he scored with the chief’s daughter. Two and a half hours of film successfully wasted just about every potential sequel there was and now, there are really only two ways it can go while staying semi-intelligent;

Sequel 1: The rich human hot-shots decide that they were stupid for just abandoning the planet filled with “unobtanium” (really James? Really?), a substance which would earn enough money to build a new Earth. *insert an hour of meaningless plot* So, they come back and try to fight again. *another hour of meaningless plot* The Na’vi will fight, half will die and then they turn primitive and just destroy everybody. *roll credits*

Sequel 2: A rare and only-deadly-to-Na’vi virus has been released into the world from the rusting metal of the humans ships that nobody ever bothered to clean up. *meaningless plot* A lot of Na’vi die. *meaningless plot* Jake and the original gang (minus Sigorney Weaver, cuz she’s dead) set off to trek across the world to find a rare flower whose pollen is a cure for the disease. *meaningless two hours of trekking across the planet, in which there is more alien sex, weird theology and the fighting of random creatures. Oh, and those two humans who stayed on the planet in the first one, they took a helicopter and it hit a mountain. Cool explosion, check* They find the flower but it turns out to be 10 feet tall and carnivorous and they have to fight off its venomous leaves with large spears and alien kung fu! (Epic hand-to-hand combat battle? Check.) But wait! The plant has found the original general’s robot and has taken control of it, using its tentacles! (Use of robot in hand-to-hand combat? Check.) *way-too-long battle sequence with the robot because it just won’t die* And because of their weird theology, they can’t actually kill the planet cuz they’re connected to it, so they get close, attach their ponytails and speak to it *meaningless theology* The Plant (which probably has a name like, “antivirusethicus”) agrees to help them and releases a ton of gas into the air and covers the whole planet with healing pollen!! Yay! Then, their flying horse things show up and they fly home to find their friends alive! But, it turns out, the chief is dead. Bummer. The movie ends after another tree ritual, this time with Jake becoming chief! Yay! Franchise over.

There you go. I just saved you $30 and four hours of your life. And Cameron won’t be done until the end of next year…slacker.

AVATAR 2 is set to release in 2014, which is its second problem. By that time, something better probably will have come along and people will have forgotten AVATAR and the franchise, and hopefully its fan-base and appeal, will be down the tubes.

*Proof of the Pocohontas plot rip off:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1637131246902&set=a.1633207748817.87920.1195357554