How To Make Willy Wonka Jealous

How To Make Willy Wonka Jealous

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when every store you enter has Christmas light and trees up and displayed. A time when plans for Thanksgiving are beginning to form. Yep. That’s right. It’s almost Halloween.

Now, while I’m not a fan of what Halloween came from (demon worshiping and what not), I AM a fan of dressing like a superhero and hoarding so much candy that I could make Willy Wonka jealous. Come on, who doesn’t love that? But, Mr. Wonka’s own candy factory is quite a sight to behold. As such, extensive planning must take place before you can even think about comparing your decorative candy-toting trash bag to the candy-obsessed genius who has his own chocolate river flowing through his indoor backyard. So, I now offer you ways to plan your Halloween night festivities so awesome that you too can get as much sweet, salty and candied apple goodness as possible.

RULE 1: Prep work

There’s a lot or preparation that comes with Halloween. There is the obvious prepping like getting a costume, figuring out who’s going to drive and if your little sister can come in her fairy costume. But then there is the not-so-obvious kind, like what are you going to carry your spoils in? Should you bring a second bag? Where are the nearest bathroom locations and when can you stop at them? What kind of fairy is your sister going as? Tinkerbell or one of those lame generic Barbie movie fairies? All of these things must be considered before you set out on your candy quest. Here are some suggestions:

1. Costume.

The costume is the most crucial element of trick-or-treating. On Halloween night, candy becomes a points system and the eventual amount you get is a rating of how many people thought your costume was awesome. Therefore, make it good. Do something original. Don’t just go to Wal-Mart, buy a pair of sweats, staple a construction paper bat to your chest and say you’re Batman. You will have Carmel Apples thrown at your head. So, get creative and be willing to hunt down the perfect costume. It will be worth it.

2. Let the one with the biggest car drive.

You don’t want to take more than one car, because then you miss out on the bonding that happens on the car rides (mainly the comparing of loot), and you don’t want to have six teenagers (and maybe a fairy-dressed 6 year old) crammed into the back of Ted-the-Hippie’s Prius. Instead, make the hole in the atmosphere a little bit bigger and take Jimmy’s Mom’s tank-like van. This is about candy, folks, not the environment.

3. Candy-Toting.

This is perhaps one the simplest pieces of prep work ever. Go with a black “Wal-Mart bag”. This is the perfect carrying size and holds just enough so that you can carry it back to the car when it’s full. Pillowcases, trashbags and those idiotic pumpkin shaped character buckets from Wal-Mart are wrong. Pillowcases are awkward to carry, trashbags are too big and you end up dragging them and the character buckets are just stupid. Go with the plastic bag from the grocery store. And bring a lot of them. You have to pick up the slack when Annie decides to ditch her diet and gets more candy then her “cute” plastic pumpkin bucket will hold.

4. The Little Sister Conundrum.

You want to go trick-or-treating with your teenage friends, but your little sister has her costume already on and has that crazed give-me-sugar look in her eyes and its only 6pm. Somehow, mom and dad suddenly both got “headaches” right after the last picture was taken. Convenient. So, what are you to do? I’ll tell you what you do. You grab your little sister and hit the neighborhood like there’s no tomorrow. You run her down the streets showing off her irresistible cuteness and you both get candy from the neighborhood moms who know you and think you’re just the sweetest sibling ever for taking her with you. Then, she gets tired or bored after one run up and down the street, so take her home and meet up with your group. Win-win-win-more candy.

5. Be Afraid.

Let’s talk a little bit about the scariness factor of Halloween. Cuz it’s there. I’m pretty sure everyone has seen the YouTube video of some guy trying to scare people by hiding as a scarecrow and then jumping at people (If not, it’s right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc5KZSB8WOo. He gets punched in the face. It’s kind of awesome). The point is, people that are too lame to actually dress up WILL try and scare you with stupid and sometimes genius tricks. But, if you’re the obnoxious kid who laughs during horror movies, you’ll probably be unimpressed and then they will be mad and give you a toothbrush. However, if you freak out everytime (and pretend to be on the lame ones) they’ll think they’ve done something successful with their evening (as well as feel like scaring you has made up for the fact that they didn’t get invited to the college co-ed costume party) and give you more candy. These are kind of like scientific facts people (not really). Believe them.

RULE 2: What Your Costume Says About You

Let’s take a deeper look at costumes. Like I said, you want to be creative, but not cheap. But at the same time, you can make an Iron Man costume yourself that looks 10 times better than those over-sized footie pajamas that costume stores try and sell you. Finally, go with something fairly common. Not like, Harry Potter or Jack Sparrow common, cuz everyone and their dog dresses like those guys, but something common enough that most people will understand what it is if they have to ask (though you generally want to avoid those types of questions). This leads us to….

RULE 3: Location, Location, Location.

No matter what your costume is, you want to go somewhere that it will be easily recognized and appreciated, so map your route accordingly. This is a fairly simple process. Any neighborhood that is primarily older people (your grandparents neighborhood, perhaps) will most likely be filled with tiny Darth Vaders and Spider-Men. So, if you were to show up dressed as Snooki (yeah. There’s a Snooki costume now. I weep for the future) it’s plausible to assume that the majority of the neighborhood will believe that you ate too many Cheetos and are now just trying to find your way back home so you can put on some decent clothes. You know what, that will probably be the belief of EVERYONE you encounter while dressed as Snooki, so let’s just make RULE 4: Stay Away From Jersey Shore. The one exception to this rule is a college Halloween party, but that still may not be the best idea. Wrong impressions and all that.

Now, if you favor a more traditional Halloween look, like a vampire or zombie, your best bet is a middle of the road suburban neighborhood filled with appreciative single people and newly married couples. These are the only people that appreciate creepiness.

RULE 4: Stay Away From Jersey Shore!

This one is self-explanatory. Just threw it in to make sure you caught it.

Well kids, that’s all I have for prep work! But, check back next week for a “What Your Candy Haul Actually Means”.

Happy Halloween, hooligans!

Spencer Stephens