There are many things George Lucas has done. He has given the world Star Wars. He changed movie theater sound with Skywalker Sound company. He gave the world Indiana Jones. And he provides many, many jobs on his 47,000 acre ranch (complete with it's own fire station and firetruck). In many ways, it would seem that George Lucas loves the people he works for, those who give him their money so that he can add it to his fortune of childrens allowances. And yet, it is not so. Here's why.
"I bathe in the tears of my fans."5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones is one of the greatest franchises Hollywood has ever produced. The first three managed to stay fresh and original, all while being entertaining. But then, in 2008, George Lucas realized that the world was very close to forgetting Indiana Jones (not at all) and decided to release a fourth one.
Ugh. The fourth installment of Indiana Jones was the worst of the series. Apparently forgetting that the other 3 movies existed, Lucas brings in aliens, giant ants and those ever-present Nazi's. And let's not forget the terrible acting from a sans-Megan-Fox Shia Lebouf. Terrible. That movie tried to compete with Sean Connery and motorcycle chases.
Essentially, we went from class and awesomeness:
The face of class and awesomeness
"Megan Fox really was the only appealing thing about me."
Indiana Jones is one of the greatest franchises Hollywood has ever produced. The first three managed to stay fresh and original, all while being entertaining. But then, in 2008, George Lucas realized that the world was very close to forgetting Indiana Jones (not at all) and decided to release a fourth one.
Ugh. The fourth installment of Indiana Jones was the worst of the series. Apparently forgetting that the other 3 movies existed, Lucas brings in aliens, giant ants and those ever-present Nazi's. And let's not forget the terrible acting from a sans-Megan-Fox Shia Lebouf. Terrible. That movie tried to compete with Sean Connery and motorcycle chases.
Essentially, we went from class and awesomeness:
The face of class and awesomenessTo this:
"Megan Fox really was the only appealing thing about me."And that nerd is supposed to be Indiana's son! I don't think so.
But, hey, why let a franchise die gracefully when you can just hit it with a shovel a few times?
4. The Animated "Clone Wars" Movie
I am not going to complain about the Star Wars prequels *yet*. No, this section is dedicated to George Lucas' inexplicable animated Star Wars spin-off...of a spin-off. Confused? So was I. Let me explain.
It all probably started in 1995. The original three Star Wars movies are an international hit. Presumably, Old Georgie was lounging around in his new home/workplace that he had just spent about a 100million dollars to assemble, piece-by-piece on a little plot of land, only about 47,000 acres big (seriously. Google it). As George sat in his mahogany furnished library, four hundred shelves filled entirely with Star Wars fan-fiction, he realized that the 100 million dollars he'd spent developing 15 acres of his land was good chunk of his Star Wars-funded fortune. He twisted in his silk, R2-D2 footie pajamas. I can't go back to the poorhouse! he thought. He reached over and picked up a gold plated bell and summoned a manservant. "Jeeves," George said, standing up. "Bring me a sandwich. I have to write three terrible screenplays!" Whipping out his trusty lightsaber pen, he sprinted down the hall to his study, kicked off his Darth Vader slippers and set to work. Three hours later he emerged, in his hands the scribbled remains of a once great franchise. "Jeeves!" he called. "Get my producer. I'm going to be rich again!"
(Editor's Note: I totally made all that up, no matter how accurate it may seem.)
Yeah yeah, ok. That's probably not how it happened. I mean, his pajamas would obviously have stormtroopers on them and writing the screenplays probably took him four hours, not three, but the devil is in the details. The point is, Lucas wrote three "prequels" to his original movies and they stunk worse than my dog that time she wrestled with a skunk. But, the fun doesn't stop there!
In between the second and third prequels, he decided that the Darth Maul action figures weren't selling well-enough, so he released an animated series on Cartoon Network called "The Clone Wars". While somewhat creative in its own right, the animated series told the tale of what happened in between the second and third movies. Cool idea, right? Well, it would have been until they aired the "episodes" in five-minute segments, randomly jammed in between two shows. Sloppy. Needless to say, the show flopped. Not like George cared though. I'm sure the network paid handsomely.
Then, the third and final prequel released and sales skyrocketed as every blossoming nerd and their nerdy dads went to see the final, killing blow to the series. And what a blow it was. Almost the entire movie was shot in front of a green screen. It was like watching an animated movie with a couple of real people thrown in occasionally.
But George Lucas is no quitter! The national treasury still had more money than him, and this just simply would not do!
He released the original three movies on "remastered, special edition" DVD. Yeah, right. Basically, he added a bunch of CGI fight sequences, touched up the audio, threw in a controversial scene and then replaced the original Anakin Skywalker with this guy:
Oh, I'll get to you, Hayden Christensen.
These "remastered" DVD's released around Christmas, giving George just enough extra spending money to put in that 3-story water slide he's always wanted. It's very tasteful, and really goes well with his Millennium-Falcon-shaped pool (that takes up one of the fifteen acres he developed).
But, what trizillionaire's water resort is complete without a karaoke/smoothie bar?! None. So George needed to acquire even MORE money.
The result of his quest was this:
Yes, it is as bad as it looks.
Yes, you're reading that right. That, friends, is a Clone Wars movie. It takes place in the same time-period as the Cartoon Network show, but, get this: it's a completely different story arc.
For the sake of money, and money alone, George Lucas revamped and reanimated a series that has already been made and decided to re-write the timeline. And he didn't even have the dignity to give us a decent reason for it, like the Star Trek movie did.
Time bending black hole. Makes perfect sense. It also helps me forget William Shatner.
But, hey, why let a franchise die gracefully when you can just hit it with a shovel a few times?
4. The Animated "Clone Wars" Movie
I am not going to complain about the Star Wars prequels *yet*. No, this section is dedicated to George Lucas' inexplicable animated Star Wars spin-off...of a spin-off. Confused? So was I. Let me explain.
It all probably started in 1995. The original three Star Wars movies are an international hit. Presumably, Old Georgie was lounging around in his new home/workplace that he had just spent about a 100million dollars to assemble, piece-by-piece on a little plot of land, only about 47,000 acres big (seriously. Google it). As George sat in his mahogany furnished library, four hundred shelves filled entirely with Star Wars fan-fiction, he realized that the 100 million dollars he'd spent developing 15 acres of his land was good chunk of his Star Wars-funded fortune. He twisted in his silk, R2-D2 footie pajamas. I can't go back to the poorhouse! he thought. He reached over and picked up a gold plated bell and summoned a manservant. "Jeeves," George said, standing up. "Bring me a sandwich. I have to write three terrible screenplays!" Whipping out his trusty lightsaber pen, he sprinted down the hall to his study, kicked off his Darth Vader slippers and set to work. Three hours later he emerged, in his hands the scribbled remains of a once great franchise. "Jeeves!" he called. "Get my producer. I'm going to be rich again!"
(Editor's Note: I totally made all that up, no matter how accurate it may seem.)
Yeah yeah, ok. That's probably not how it happened. I mean, his pajamas would obviously have stormtroopers on them and writing the screenplays probably took him four hours, not three, but the devil is in the details. The point is, Lucas wrote three "prequels" to his original movies and they stunk worse than my dog that time she wrestled with a skunk. But, the fun doesn't stop there!
In between the second and third prequels, he decided that the Darth Maul action figures weren't selling well-enough, so he released an animated series on Cartoon Network called "The Clone Wars". While somewhat creative in its own right, the animated series told the tale of what happened in between the second and third movies. Cool idea, right? Well, it would have been until they aired the "episodes" in five-minute segments, randomly jammed in between two shows. Sloppy. Needless to say, the show flopped. Not like George cared though. I'm sure the network paid handsomely.
Then, the third and final prequel released and sales skyrocketed as every blossoming nerd and their nerdy dads went to see the final, killing blow to the series. And what a blow it was. Almost the entire movie was shot in front of a green screen. It was like watching an animated movie with a couple of real people thrown in occasionally.
But George Lucas is no quitter! The national treasury still had more money than him, and this just simply would not do!
He released the original three movies on "remastered, special edition" DVD. Yeah, right. Basically, he added a bunch of CGI fight sequences, touched up the audio, threw in a controversial scene and then replaced the original Anakin Skywalker with this guy:
Oh, I'll get to you, Hayden Christensen.These "remastered" DVD's released around Christmas, giving George just enough extra spending money to put in that 3-story water slide he's always wanted. It's very tasteful, and really goes well with his Millennium-Falcon-shaped pool (that takes up one of the fifteen acres he developed).
But, what trizillionaire's water resort is complete without a karaoke/smoothie bar?! None. So George needed to acquire even MORE money.
The result of his quest was this:
Yes, it is as bad as it looks.Yes, you're reading that right. That, friends, is a Clone Wars movie. It takes place in the same time-period as the Cartoon Network show, but, get this: it's a completely different story arc.
For the sake of money, and money alone, George Lucas revamped and reanimated a series that has already been made and decided to re-write the timeline. And he didn't even have the dignity to give us a decent reason for it, like the Star Trek movie did.
Time bending black hole. Makes perfect sense. It also helps me forget William Shatner.This terrible spin-off movie now has a TV show and is in its second season. It succeeds in giving us proof George Lucas hates his fans with a passion that rivals his hatred for Star Trek. Need more? This is what the current TV show has done to Yoda.
There are no words....
There are no words....3. Darth Vader is Really Just Hayden Christensen
Darth Vader is undeniably the galaxy's greatest bad guy. He's got the awesome TIE-fighter, the freaky breathing sounds and that whole "I can choke you with my mind" thing going on. George Lucas, you did well.
This could be you.
Darth Vader is undeniably the galaxy's greatest bad guy. He's got the awesome TIE-fighter, the freaky breathing sounds and that whole "I can choke you with my mind" thing going on. George Lucas, you did well.
This could be you.Unfortunately, everything that was once awesome about Darth Vader is ruined once you see the prequels. Well, just the second two prequels, because I think we can all agree that Jake Lloyd was awesome.
"I have a beard now."
"I have a beard now."However, even Jake Lloyd was forgotten when Hayden Christensen stepped onto the scene (you know, that guy, in the picture earlier). Hayden apparently missed the "you will become Darth Vader" part of the story and just played Anakin like the rest of his roles: whiny, pubescent and always looks like he bit a lemon. Personally, I think he always hated the whole Star Wars franchise and was just trying to hurt the fans. He succeeded. The hulking, terrifying presence that was Darth Vader was reduced to a whiny, bad-haired, overacting child who will always be remembered for this:
Cry, Hayden Christensen. Feel our pain.
Darth Vader has been ruined. No longer the Freddy Kruger of the galaxy, just some snivelling, pompy twit. And to make matters worse, Hayden's dating her:
Life isn't fair, gentlemen.
A) They serve no real purpose. The idea of knowing where Vader came from was cool for ten minutes before everyone realized that they didn't really want to know. Humanizing Darth Vader made him less of what he was meant to be. We all just liked him as a scarred, human-ish being in an awesome suit. We knew he was a Jedi in the past and that he was inherently good and was the reason the Empire fell. And that's ALL we wanted to know.
B) They're filled with a bunch of pointless drama. For example: Padme and Anakin's relationship was WAY more complicated than it needed to be. I mean, he deliberately wrote a Jedi code that prohibited marriage so that the second movie would feel like an episode of Degrassi in space. And then, Boba Fett's a clone? Why did that even need to happen!? He was eaten by a Sarrlac!
C) They killed off the only cool character. Darth Maul was awesome, and he managed to kill LIAM NEESON, which, as Taken has proven, is not an easy feat. And then, through some fluke, Obi-Wan kills him. LAME. Salt in the wound: he's replaced by a guy named Dooku.
The manifestation of George Lucas' hatred
Cry, Hayden Christensen. Feel our pain.Darth Vader has been ruined. No longer the Freddy Kruger of the galaxy, just some snivelling, pompy twit. And to make matters worse, Hayden's dating her:
Life isn't fair, gentlemen.2. The Prequels
Most of my proof on this point was referred to in the rant about the Clone Wars movie, but let me just reiterate a few points:A) They serve no real purpose. The idea of knowing where Vader came from was cool for ten minutes before everyone realized that they didn't really want to know. Humanizing Darth Vader made him less of what he was meant to be. We all just liked him as a scarred, human-ish being in an awesome suit. We knew he was a Jedi in the past and that he was inherently good and was the reason the Empire fell. And that's ALL we wanted to know.
B) They're filled with a bunch of pointless drama. For example: Padme and Anakin's relationship was WAY more complicated than it needed to be. I mean, he deliberately wrote a Jedi code that prohibited marriage so that the second movie would feel like an episode of Degrassi in space. And then, Boba Fett's a clone? Why did that even need to happen!? He was eaten by a Sarrlac!
C) They killed off the only cool character. Darth Maul was awesome, and he managed to kill LIAM NEESON, which, as Taken has proven, is not an easy feat. And then, through some fluke, Obi-Wan kills him. LAME. Salt in the wound: he's replaced by a guy named Dooku.
This pretty much sums it up.
Now, the number one reason George Lucas hates every fan he has:
1. Jar Jar Binks Exists
The man created a frog/duck/dog/fish hybrid and put him in the same movie as Liam Neeson. If that doesn't scream "I only want your money", nothing does.
1. Jar Jar Binks Exists
The man created a frog/duck/dog/fish hybrid and put him in the same movie as Liam Neeson. If that doesn't scream "I only want your money", nothing does.
The manifestation of George Lucas' hatredI admit. I am a Star Wars nerd. I have seen every movie, read the fan-fiction and I once possessed over 50 action figures, ships and playsets. Obsessed doesn't describe me. Star Wars was my life as a child and it will always hold a special place in my heart. But, as I grew up and watched my beloved franchise with the cynical eye of a teenager, I realized one thing:
George Lucas hates me and has way too much of my money.
"Jeeves, I need a bath. Fetch me Spencer's tears."
George Lucas hates me and has way too much of my money.
"Jeeves, I need a bath. Fetch me Spencer's tears."
I totally agree with you on the weird animated movies, but not on Hayden Christensen and seeing Darth Vader humanized. The character's emotional developement is my favorite part in nearly any story (sans the hero-saves-the-girl parts:).
ReplyDeleteJar Jar Binks is a joke. Maybe not if he were more in the background, but having a prominent role does make me believe Lucas hates us.
I'm not a HUGE Star Wars fan, but it being a major part of my childhood makes me love it. :P
BTW, the captions were fantastic. Lol!
I pretty much agree with Kirsten, but of course I don't think I've watched all the movies since I was like nine or ten. I can see your point though, and Hayden was way too emotional.
ReplyDeleteKirsten, if Hayden Christensen was ''humanizing'' Darth Vader then I want no part in our species.
ReplyDelete