SPAM

Computers have been around for a long time. Ok, not a LONG time, but they've been around and the technology is constantly expanding. We can use computers for everything from writing papers to playing games; they're functional and FUNctional!

 Yeah, even I thought that was bad...

Here's my question though (and the point of this whole article): why does spam still exist?

 No, not...yeah, okay this too.

But I'm talking about spam emails. I get hundreds of random, junk emails every week. Yes, we have filters and such, but why not just delete the things? Sure, some random person might get their email deleted but most of the time, I don't want to talk to them anyways! 

To give you an idea of why I'm so adamant about this, lets take a look at some of the spam email I got this week, shall we?

Monday

From: "My Life"

Subject: "See who's searching for you"

Message:

 Possibly taken with my phone...

This creeps me out for several reasons. First of all, My Life is apparently emailing me. That can't be good. Second, someone is apparently looking for me. I don't like that... because it's weird. It's even weirder that they're looking with some random website. Don't they know about Facebook? Facebook is basically made so that you can "reconnect" with people. And, on Facebook, you can stalk the person without them knowing. This website apparently tells the person you're looking for them. Weird. It's probably just a bunch of old ladies with a thousand cats looking for their old boyfriends who were actually trampled in a protest in the 60's. 

Stupid cat-lady hippies. Get off the internet. 

Tuesday

From: Jesusita Jennette 

Subject: xnfo8

Message: 

That says "e4". Just to be clear.

I don't even know what this means. If I had to guess (and I have to, otherwise this would be boring), I would probably say that this lady is an abandoned alien in Mexico, trying to find her way home. She's reaching out to me because she thinks I believe in them and will do anything to help her. Well, shes wrong! If she is an alien and wants my help, she had better come right to my doorstep with cash and ask on her knees. Are you reading this, Jesusita? CASH MONEY ON THE STEP.

 And it had better be Benjamins...

 

Its not that I think I'm better than the Martians, my skills are just that awesome.*

More likely though, its some, *ahem* LARGE woman who fell asleep on her keyboard. Or she was drunk. 

Wednesday

From: Bathroom Remodel

Subject: "update that outdated bathroom"

Message: 

Now I'm offended. These people don't know me! They don't know what my bathroom looks like! I could have the finest faucets and tubs and toilets on the market. There is a toilet that will flush 36 golf balls at once! Maybe I have that! You don't know me, nameless-bathroom-remodelers! So, step off before I slam 36 golf balls **CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED**!!!! So, there. 

Thursday

From: Kaye Virgil

Subject: "Buy brand name and GENERIC DRUGS online"

Message: 

Your bathroom isn't all that great either, jerks.

There are a lot of things wrong with this one. Not only are they offering me "generic drugs", the sender name sounds like the type of person to send me a bunch of crack-laced roofies for my flu. This is just a very bad idea. I'd rather stick to DayQuil from Wal-mart. Wait, is that any better?

Friday

From: Zoosk

Subject: Online Dating. Your Way.

Message:

Apparently, their ad was to tell me its an ad. Very effective.

Oh, I know this place. They're the ones with the badly filmed commercials that talk about bad first dates. To me, is seems like they might be doing well since they have both bad tv commercials and bad email ads. I mean, this one's blank. Also, the "Date Your Way" tag concerns me a little bit. The idea of roofies, a laundry room from How I Met Your Mother (trust me, it's bad) and lots of illegal drugs, all for the sake of "This is how I date, fool!" 

Concerning. Very concerning.

So that's my week in spam emails. Don't feel bad that you got like 600; so did I. These were just some of the easiest to make fun of. Other emails this week included: multiple drug sales, Swinging Seniors info, and How To Find My Russian Soulmate, but talking about those might've gotten racist, or gross.

*My skills aren't that good either, but the Martians owe me for taking Elvis.

Darth Vader Wins

Super-villains have lost what once made them great. Once upon a time, a super-villain struck fear into the hearts of those who watched them, not just the heroes that fought them. Super-villians were meant to be imposing, frightening and ruthless. These days it seems like most are just cliched fat dudes seeking vengance on their one archenemy.

Case and point.

However, despite Lex Luthor ruining the curve of super-villian awesomess (not every bald guy is bad, kids), there are still a few villains that send a shiver down my spine. Joker, for example, seems to get creepier and crazier with every new redition and even though I'm never threatened by him, I always worry that maybe Batman won't stop him this time. And secretly, I want him to win one.

That's what a villain needs to be; an adversary that you love to hate. And we just don't have those anymore. So, while Joker ranks pretty high on my list of classic favorites, there's one man who stands alone in my mind. One man who still remains an icon, 30 years after his death. That's right folks.

Darth Vader.

Buh-nuh!

There are a lot of reasons to love Darth and even more since the prequels came out. Allow me to explain.

He Rules the Universe
Darth Vader didn't come to this game to play around; he came to win. And while all these other pansy's are conquering individual planets or the moon, Darth Vader took the freaking universe. And he did it with ease. I mean, barely anyone ever saw him, yet his name was whispered in infamy. This dude was just bad. I mean, the movies don't do him justice. You never see him conquer anything, but if you think about how he got to where he was, he's pretty awesome. Also, remember this?

I want my nachoes!!

That picture demonstrates just how awesome Darth Vader really is. Think about it. He literally hijacked their ship and sent his minions in to kill everyone on board. Then, he stormed in and interrogated the lone survior by choking him. Then he killed him. That is just pure awesomeness.

He Was Able To Kill His Enemies
Too many bad guys these days just run around blowing things up before the hero comes and stops them. And robbing a bank or two really doesn't do much when you factor in how much goes to bail and the next heist.

Meanwhile, Vader had the most epic advesaries; the Jedi Order. Protectors of the galaxy, masters of the Force, all that. Vader flat destroyed all of them. Hunted them down and made sure they weren't ever going to beat him.

He even killed those squirrels

He Chose To Lose
Vader did not just randomly get defeated. Like I said, he destroyed every possible threat to him that existed. He cut off his own son's hand and destroyed his daughters adopted planet to prove his point. This man did not jack around. Thus, when he was defeated, it was on his own terms. He sacrificed himself to save his kid when Luke officially failed at everything he had set out to do the whole franchise.

"I couldn't kill the Emperor, but I've got the creepy stare down."

So, like a true dad, Vader saved his butt. But Vader's death was no mere "I stab you with my lightsber." Oh no. It was "I shall pick up your sorry, evil shriveled body and toss you into an infinite pit while withstanding lightning blasts! RAWRGH!!!!!" That's no ordinary bad guy death; that's the death of the GREATEST VILLAIN EVER.

It definitely looked like this.

He Has An Amazing Hideout
Most villains have a multimillion dollar company or an abandoned warehouse or a van to hide in. Darth Vader had an entire spaceship, with thousands of crew members as big as a moon. It's the size of what some of those lamer villains are trying to conquer. Also, it has a planet destroying laser.

There's just one tiny little hole that will blow the hole thing up.

He Became Darth Vader on a Fluke 

Everyone knows the big, bad, asthmatic Darth Vader. He came around in the 80's. More recently, audiences were shown who Darth Vader was before. 

Less awesome

That nerd is Anakin, father of Luke and Leia (remember, he's mentioned like twice in the originals) and a member of the Jedi Order. I won't go into details but after several traumatic incidents (losing an arm, dating someone 15 years older than him and his mom getting slaughtered) Anakin decides that the Light Side of the Force just aint working for him anymore and goes completely awesome. 

To be awesome, just add a hood.

Anakin slayed the entire Jedi Order before he even got the helmet and breathing apparatus. He was awesome before he "was" Darth Vader. The suit just made him more awesome. But the suit was actually a fluke. Once again, Vader's tiny bit of compassion shone through and he decided to not just wreck shop on Obi-Wan's face the moment they run into each other.

Which is good, because we would have missed out on this.

Back to my point. Anakin doesn't immediately waste Obi-Wan, choosing instead to participate in the greatest lightsaber battle of all time. Then...he gets cocky. Instead of the classic trick of "Look! Over there!" and stabbing Obi-Wan when he turned around, Anakin decides to leap dramatically over his head....and gets his legs chopped off by Obi-Wan. Then Obi-Wan leaves him to burn alive in a magma river.

Jedi Compassion goes out the window when there's lava around

As a result of this cocky fluke, we get awesomeness. 

AWESOMENESS

He Killed His Mentor

So, lets fast forward 20 years (or rewind, depending on what order you keep the movies). Obi-Wan is now "Old Ben" and Luke is looking for excitement. Obviously, they should go fight Darth Vader. So, they set off, team up with Indiana Jones and his pet bear, find the moon of a space station, get trapped and then Obi-Wan gets chopped in half.

*Reenactment*

 So, Darth Vader takes vengeance, 20 years later. This dude can hold a grudge and reciprocate the man's lack of compassion. Well done, sir. Well done.

He Only Lost the Battles Because His Minions Sucked

I've already mentioned how Darth Vader only lost because he wanted to. If you think about it, in his suit, the guy was kind of invincible. His only failures came from his minions and their incompetence. Here are two examples of said stupidity:

1. The First Trench Battle

Anakin was a super awesome pilot so it stands to reason that Darth Vader would be just as skillful. And, let's be honest, he flew through that trench like a boss. However, he failed to blow up Luke because his minion flew into him and caused him to careen into space. Remember?

Normally, calmly flying through the trench....

Then the TIE Fighter pilot spazzes out and slams into Darth Vader...

...and sends Darth spiraling into oblivion.

 

 So, as you can see, Darth Vader was not responsible for his first defeat at the hands of the rebels (unless you count Force Unleashed). Instead, it was the idiotic lackey in the TIE Fighter next to him. And the final picture demonstrates Vader's skill as a pilot. He pulled himself out of a 180-vertical spin and survived. Impressive.

2. The Flaw in His Machine
For some unknown reason, there is a hole in the Death Star capable of blowing the whole thing up. And it's not even on the bottom of the circular station. It's in the middle, with a trench leading up to it. Everyone can agree this is an idiotic design. However, Vader cannot be blamed. The guy funding it always hires someone else. Thus, this poorly planned design of a death machine can once again be blamed on an idiot lackey. We can safely assume that the man responsible was choked to death.

I think I've made my point. Darth Vader is the world's greatest villain. If you don't agree, re-read the article. If you still don't agree, just close your browser and return to your cave. Don't tell me why you disagree, because I don't care.

It's the best policy.