Yeah, even I thought that was bad...
Here's my question though (and the point of this whole article): why does spam still exist?
No, not...yeah, okay this too.
But I'm talking about spam emails. I get hundreds of random, junk emails every week. Yes, we have filters and such, but why not just delete the things? Sure, some random person might get their email deleted but most of the time, I don't want to talk to them anyways!
To give you an idea of why I'm so adamant about this, lets take a look at some of the spam email I got this week, shall we?
Monday
From: "My Life"
Subject: "See who's searching for you"
Message:
Possibly taken with my phone...
This creeps me out for several reasons. First of all, My Life is apparently emailing me. That can't be good. Second, someone is apparently looking for me. I don't like that... because it's weird. It's even weirder that they're looking with some random website. Don't they know about Facebook? Facebook is basically made so that you can "reconnect" with people. And, on Facebook, you can stalk the person without them knowing. This website apparently tells the person you're looking for them. Weird. It's probably just a bunch of old ladies with a thousand cats looking for their old boyfriends who were actually trampled in a protest in the 60's.
Stupid cat-lady hippies. Get off the internet.
Tuesday
From: Jesusita Jennette
Subject: xnfo8
Message:
That says "e4". Just to be clear.
I don't even know what this means. If I had to guess (and I have to, otherwise this would be boring), I would probably say that this lady is an abandoned alien in Mexico, trying to find her way home. She's reaching out to me because she thinks I believe in them and will do anything to help her. Well, shes wrong! If she is an alien and wants my help, she had better come right to my doorstep with cash and ask on her knees. Are you reading this, Jesusita? CASH MONEY ON THE STEP.
And it had better be Benjamins...
Its not that I think I'm better than the Martians, my skills are just that awesome.*
More likely though, its some, *ahem* LARGE woman who fell asleep on her keyboard. Or she was drunk.
Wednesday
From: Bathroom Remodel
Subject: "update that outdated bathroom"
Message:
Now I'm offended. These people don't know me! They don't know what my bathroom looks like! I could have the finest faucets and tubs and toilets on the market. There is a toilet that will flush 36 golf balls at once! Maybe I have that! You don't know me, nameless-bathroom-remodelers! So, step off before I slam 36 golf balls **CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED**!!!! So, there.
Thursday
From: Kaye Virgil
Subject: "Buy brand name and GENERIC DRUGS online"
Message:
Your bathroom isn't all that great either, jerks.
There are a lot of things wrong with this one. Not only are they offering me "generic drugs", the sender name sounds like the type of person to send me a bunch of crack-laced roofies for my flu. This is just a very bad idea. I'd rather stick to DayQuil from Wal-mart. Wait, is that any better?
Friday
From: Zoosk
Subject: Online Dating. Your Way.
Message:
Apparently, their ad was to tell me its an ad. Very effective.
Oh, I know this place. They're the ones with the badly filmed commercials that talk about bad first dates. To me, is seems like they might be doing well since they have both bad tv commercials and bad email ads. I mean, this one's blank. Also, the "Date Your Way" tag concerns me a little bit. The idea of roofies, a laundry room from How I Met Your Mother (trust me, it's bad) and lots of illegal drugs, all for the sake of "This is how I date, fool!"
Concerning. Very concerning.
So that's my week in spam emails. Don't feel bad that you got like 600; so did I. These were just some of the easiest to make fun of. Other emails this week included: multiple drug sales, Swinging Seniors info, and How To Find My Russian Soulmate, but talking about those might've gotten racist, or gross.
*My skills aren't that good either, but the Martians owe me for taking Elvis.
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